Disclaimer: this is me being super
honest and vulnerable which is unbelievably terrifying, as I tend not to do things where I don't know the outcome. My hope in writing this is
that someone might feel like they aren’t alone in choosing hope over apathy.
There are not many situations that feel
absolutely hopeless to me. Even when it is just the smallest sliver, it is
enough for me to hold onto when things aren’t going well. Yet what I’m about to
share has been an outlier—something that has felt devastatingly hopeless for
years.
I remember hearing my Mom scream from
across Old Navy; pushing my fork around my plate, but not really eating
anything; sitting at the funeral hugging my younger cousin as she, and most of
my family, cried. While my 11-year-old brain struggled to process the
unexpected death of my uncle, I had no idea what I would spend the next 12
years trying to comprehend.
I’m not sure there was any way for me
to predict I would spend more than half my life in the middle of conflict &
pain. Grief broke up a family, and it seems to be unrecognizable at this point.
I have so many wonderful memories before the accident of spending time with my
family—playing dress up and putting on “shows” with my cousins, going to
Christmas Eve service together, countless dinners and BBQs—united, and having a
blast. Yet after that day in July, things weren’t the same. What I saw was
relationship breakdown after relationship breakdown. I don’t have answers to
explain it, other than when people get hurt and grieve there is also the
tendency to lash out at those closest. Yet instead of repairing those
relationships, the wounds grew deeper and deeper, and what I thought couldn’t
get any worse continued to get worse.
Rather than talk on and on about how
things seemed to go wrong, I want to talk about what God says about brokenness,
relationships, and fighting to hold onto hope.
“for all have sinned and fall short of
the glory of God…” Romans 3:23
All. No one is more sinful than
another. No one is “more right” than another. We are all broken, we are all
unable to measure up against our ultimate measure—Christ. I don’t believe God
wants our response to this to be shame, guilt, or perfectionism, but rather
humility to recognize that we will fall short, and so will other people.
“And the peace of God, which surpasses
all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”
Philippians 4:7
Pain and brokenness is a reality,
especially when we are talking about humans in relationship. Yet through Christ
we have the gift of peace. This isn’t calm after the storm or the deep exhale
found in relief. This is calm as the waves are metaphorically crashing over you,
a deep exhale when you feel like your lungs are being ripped from your chest.
Peace from God isn’t logical; it isn’t for times when it makes sense for us to
feel it. It is for when your back is against the wall, and all you want to do
is self-protect to find reprieve from the pain. When I feel this kind of peace
I know it isn’t based on my ability whatsoever, because I simply cannot pull
myself together as well as God can pull me closer to Him.
“Above all, love each other deeply,
because love covers over a multitude of sins.” 1 Peter 4:8
Fact of life: people make mistakes.
Colossal ones. We are covered with grace through the work of Christ, and we are
not expected to be perfect— we can’t be. God doesn’t call us to perfection, but
he calls us to love, and to do so when most people wouldn’t expect us to. When
someone hurts you? Love them. When someone accuses you? Love them. When someone
ignores you? Love them. Same answer every time, regardless of the sin.
“Shouldn’t you have had mercy on your
fellow servant just as I had on you?” Matthew 18:33
The ultimate story of mercy. We sin, we
fall short, yet Christ took all of that sin upon himself because he loves His
creation so intensely, and He wants us to love and forgive just as intensely.
This doesn’t leave room for “well they did this, this, and this, so they don’t
deserve my forgiveness or mercy.” When we hold everyone to this standard, but
expect grace in our mistakes and shortcomings, how does that display the love
conveyed through the gospel?
“Love bears all things, believes all
things, hopes all things, endures all things.” 1 Corinthians 13:7
All things. Love bears, believes,
hopes, & endures. Through all things.
My flesh fights against it, because that is not my natural inclination. It
is far easier to give up on hope and give in to apathy and anger. I have been
there. Oh, how I have been there. I love my family more than almost anything,
and it breaks my heart to know the hurt everyone has experienced. The lie that
I believed for so long was that I didn’t care. For years my expectation had
been that there is no possibility for healing in these relationships. They are
too broken, the pain is too deep, and that kind of damage cannot possibly be
undone. Right? Well, I’m wondering if that might not be the case.
Here’s the thing. I refuse to feel
apathetic anymore, because when I am being completely vulnerable, I know I want
to see reconciliation SO deeply. I have peace knowing that it is not up to me,
and that I don’t have to rely on any person to make changes, because I can pray
and cry out to the One who has the power to change hearts for His glory.
God is so much bigger than the limits I
put on Him. And from this point forward I will be boldly praying to the God of limitless
redemption, believing fully in His power to do the seemingly impossible. Thy
will be done.
